Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Let's hope 2008 brings us something better than this

Cathal Kelly interviewed a psychic and then posted her predictions. Let's see what the future holds. Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.........


The management of Toronto's various teams aren't shy about making predictions. We know how those have turned out in recent years.

So the Star contacted someone with a little more experience in foreseeing the future and fewer axes to grind. Toronto psychic Deborah Levin uses her clairvoyant abilities to peer into the not-too-distant future. Though not a sports fan, she agreed to answer a few questions about what local rooters should be expecting in the year to come.


First, I just need to state the obvious. Deborah Levin is a fraud. You know how I know that? Because nobody can see the motherfucking future.

Sadly, she saw more disappointment for the Leafs and worry for the Raptors. But there's a boost for beleaguered pitcher Roger Clemens and a vote of confidence for Leafs GM John Ferguson.

Do you see a parade up Bay St. in the near future?

No.


Going out on a limb, are we?

(Gulp) Well, do the Leafs make the playoffs at least?

I'd like to say they at least make it in, but I'm not feeling too favourable at this point. Sorry. Do they move players around at the last minute?


Not only does she make an ambivalent statement that she could weasel out of in the future but she doesn't even know if there are such things as trades.

Sure, teams make trades at the deadline.

They're bringing someone in at the last minute, but it's going to be someone really cool, someone really desirable.


I'll bet her even money that doesn't happen since we have nothing of real value to trade.

How about (Leafs coach) Paul Maurice, is he going to last the year?

I don't see longevity there. I think they're going to bring in some sort of new coach and he's going to be a real hothead, a real showboater. He's going to do really well, but man does he have a temper, he's a real loose cannon. I'm not sure if this is coming up immediately. It might be in the next couple of years.


Classic psychic double-speak. Let's cut out the bullshit in the middle and see what she has to say. "I don't see longevity here...I'm not sure if this is coming up immediately." So, what you are really saying is you have no fucking clue.

Since clairvoyants see images of the future we ask, What does the new coach look like?

Really ruddy complexion, lighter haired. Someone who turns purple when they scream.


Well at least we have a definitive prediction we can point to when she is wrong.

Okay, Canada started the world juniors on Boxing Day. Do you see success?

Which sport is that?


You suck worse than I imagined you would.

Hockey.

How many teams start the tournament?

Eight (ed. note: I was wrong, it's 10).


And Kelly, you suck too.

I see them getting to the last four. They're not going to win, but it'll be respectable.

She probably should have kept it to a last four prediction so now we have another direct statement to possibly prove her wrong.

How many medals do you see for Canada in Beijing?

I see a lot of silver for us.


Vague bullshit.

Any gold?

I think we're going to bring back a couple. But I'm seeing a lot of silver. We're going to do well.


More vague bullshit that is supported by past Olympic results.

Okay, I'm moving to the Raptors, the basketball team. How well will they do this year?

There's plans for a huge cash injection. A lot of money. I don't know where that goes or what that means to you, but they're going to have a lot of money.

Let's hope that's playoff money. How about T.J. Ford, he's a player who's been hurt recently. Is he going to be okay?


Cathal realizes the answer makes virtually no sense in a league with a salary cap and luxury tax so he tries to make it a hit with the playoff money comment. Don't help the monkey out.

I think he believes that he can overcome it, but I worry that he's going to push himself when he physically can't manage certain things any more. I want to ask you, is Hollywood into the Raptors?


Another generic prediction about what a dedicated and hardworking athlete might do in trying to overcome a serious injury. You should be proud, Deborah.

Yeah, I suppose.

I get this feeling like Hollywood's taking interest, movie stars coming to games, which I'm sure happens all the time, or they're getting a player or two that are in the media all the time, superstars. All I get is that Hollywood's taking over.


You have no fucking clue what you're talking about.


Okay, there's been a lot of talk about Toronto getting a National Football League franchise. Do you see that happening?

The money's not there. ... Bringing one here is going to make a lot of people upset. That's all I know. It's unwanted in a way. I see a lot of resistance.


Actually, the money is there. And then you make a point that anyone who reads a newspaper would make. Bravo.

Will Michael Vick play football again?

(Levin, an animal lover, knows that name.) Yup. As disgusting as that is, he will.


Let's check back in 3 years but she's probably right on this one.


Will the New England Patriots win the Super Bowl?

Isn't that strange. Somebody's getting sick. A serious illness.


Just bizarre. However, I know that she likes this type of prediction because it can be spun so many ways if you were to call her out on it after the fact.

What's the future for (Maple Leafs general manager) John Ferguson Jr.?

They like him. Is he doing anything?


You can't even predict the present!

Er, well, the team's not doing so hot. What's his future like?

You know what? They're keeping him around.


Once again, no.

Back to baseball. Barry Bonds. Is he going to jail?

That name I've heard. ... His career is screwed up. That's it. Is he going to jail? What I get is one hell of a fine, one hell of a penalty.


So he'll get a fine or jail time. Another ballsy prediction.

How about Roger Clemens and steroids? Will he admit wrongdoing?

Do they know for sure that he did it? I think some lies are being told here.

So he didn't do it?

I don't get steroids. Why would someone try to get someone in trouble like that? I don't get steroids around him. I don't believe it.


And you are clearly a huge tool. Thanks Deb for the idiocy. You brightened up by Tuesday afternoon.

1 comment:

Ghost Raptor said...

I hope Cathal Kelly interviews a groundhog about weather predictions sometime soon.