This is what I did in grade 5

I'm not going to bother with a true FDS treatment of this article as it truly is a steaming pile of shit. However, I will point out the first gem that popped out at me in this "what if?" BS summary of 2008.

Jan. 1: In one of the most exciting finishes in bowl history, undefeated Boise State upsets Oklahoma in the Fiesta Bowl when tailback Ian Johnson catches a 48-yard Hail Mary pass from Doug Flutie, runs the wrong way through the Stanford band and eventually dives into the end zone, where he celebrates by proposing to Britney Spears.

You just proposed a hypothetical where Doug Flutie is still playing college football and you expected that to be funny? My god.

What a huge dropoff

The AP may want to reconsider their faith in the critical thinking abilities of their writers.

'No, only thing that concerns me is can we stop the other guy and can we put the ball in the hole,'' Thomas said. ''And that really should be the only thing on their minds. Put the ball in the hole and stop your man from scoring and get a couple of rebounds.''

The last part may have been a dig at Curry, who came off the bench Sunday for the first time in two years. Thomas has been frustrated with the defence and rebounding of the six-foot-11 centre, who is averaging only 5.1 boards, worse than his 5.5 career average coming into the season.

So Eddy Curry is the problem because over 29 games, he has grabbed 11 or 12 fewer rebounds. Right....

Happy New Years from Doug Smith

Big night in the Big Easy

Happy New Year to all! Remember, drink responsibly, but have fun. But try not to wear any lampshades on your heads, that’s so 60s.

This is one wild and wacky city here in N’Awlins.

Went for a jaunt down Bourbon Street last night and it’s a zoo. Really. People on the balconies are like the visitors throwing food (beads) to the animals below. Not sure what that says about society, and this city, but it's not good, I can guarantee you that.

Don’t think for a minute there isn’t some worry coursing through the minds of upper-level management types, who wonder about the intelligence of leaving the team here tonight after the game.

But stay, they will.

I’m sorta hoping Mo Pete’s having a house party we can crash, but haven’t heard about it yet. Maybe Darrell Walker will have a place to go.

Or maybe it’ll be back to the room ‘cause, believe it or not, Bourbon Street is not my cup of tea.

I will pay $500 for video proof of Doug Smith partying with MoPete on New Years Eve.

This blog is a Catch-22

Because if we read Doug Smith, we are punished intellectually and spiritually yet if we don't read it, we have to spend more time doing the jobs we're paid to do (and that's no fun).

Martin's play as Calderon's backup belies his contribution as a de facto assistant coach and third-stringer when both Calderon and Ford are available. And with coach Sam Mitchell reluctant to use Juan Dixon as a backup point guard, there may come a time when they need Martin to step aside.

His logic is this: If Ford remains injured, the Raptors might have to drop Darrick Martin and sign someone who can play more than 6 minutes a game without injections of Pepto Bismol and Metamucil.

First of all, the role of the 3rd point guard on any team is that he becomes the 2nd point guard if one of the first two cannot fulfill their duties. In that sense, Darrick Martin could be considered our 5th point guard.

Secondly, while it may be true that with a healthy Ford and Calderon, Darrick Martin plays less, and his terrible-ness is exposed less, but how is that good for anyone except an ambitionless Darrick Martin.

See, there is a way out for ol' Coach Dar. Play well. You don't have to be the second coming of John Stockton, but you could be a dependable back up point guard for a few months.

How about his de facto assistant coaching aka looking pimp in a suit and handing out fundamentally sound high-fives belying his contracted obligation to play fucking basketball for us at a competent level.

A change of pace

To read a sarcastic and mocking article on baseball players and steroids, you need only click here. I don't think I could have said it better myself.

To all the baseball players mentioned in this article - I am personally insulted that you think I'm this dumb. Go fuck yourselves.

Michael Grange believes winning begats winning

Nice truisms are nice:

5. How important is the simple act of winning to good performance? It’s something that most sports psychologists can’t explain, let alone sports writers. But if you accept the notion that most NBA players are excellent, with the exception of the small handful of superstars who are even better, winning, or the confidence you get from winning, seems to have a pretty important impact on actual performance. The Celtics started the second quarter with Paul Pierce, James Posey, Glen Davis, Tony Allen and Eddie House on the floor. Last season a group slightly better than this – substitute Al Jefferson for Davis and Delonte West for Eddie House – was one of the worst teams in the NBA and a blight on the Celtics proud history. But now they’re part of the Celtics juggernaut that his laying waste to the NBA. Now they’re poised to go on a 10-2 backbreaking run to start the quarter (at which point Garnett subbed for Pierce) and pretty much end the game. Those guys aren’t great players by NBA standards, but they’re confident, winning NBA players, which means they are playing loosely and passionately. The result is an effective second unit on a team that most critics panned for a lack of depth.

Yeah, okay, there may be something to that. The Celts are now playing for something with the confidence that they can beat any team in the league...

BUT.

What they have now, independent of the scrubs that surround the big 3 is a quick, powerful forward who demands double teams every time he gets the ball down low (more open shots for said scrubs), an outside shooter that bails out just about any offensive set (assists and spread defenses for said scrubs) and that dude who stuck around who is unafraid to penetrate (more opportunities for those lovely scrubs). And that's just on offense.

Good players (not chuckers) distract defences giving marginal players the space to perform better. On a large scale (with a few good players, and enough marginal players who realize they are getting opportunities) this will correlate to wins. Most of us thought Kendrick Perkins, Rajon Rondo the like were not smart enough to figure out to figure it out. Or to make adjustments if the Big 3 were slumping or injured. So far, we have egg on our face. But with Allen going down and the Celts schedule about to get serious, they could very easily come back down to earth. And if that happens, I suggest they sign the scrappylicious win-loving David Eckstein to play point guard.

Makes more sense than drinking the magic win potion, don't it Grangey?

Beaten to the punch

I was all set to write about this gem but someone else got to it first.

http://www.firejoemorgan.com/2007/12/seeking-new-angle-reporter-turns-to.html

Someone please bite the dog that bit Keon Clark

Keon Clark's prison term thrown out:


Former NBA player Keon Clark testified Friday that he started drinking alcohol in high school. By the time he was playing professional ball, he was drinking a half pint to a pint of gin a day. "I never played a game sober, unfortunately," said the 32-year-old Danville man, who admitted he's an alcoholic.

That would include 127 games played for the Raptors.

On the stand, Clark said the drinking that he started in high school progressed when he left Danville to play basketball at junior college and then at the University of Nevada-Las Vegas. It didn't help being in "the city of sin," he said.

After he was drafted in the NBA, he started drinking at games during halftime. "It just never stopped," he said.

I just want to know who was bartending in the Raps locker room. No one noticed he was swigging malt liquor during huddles?

Keon Clark could have been a perennial defensive player of the year. I hope he gets some help.

Taking the non-apology apology to another level

Here is how Andy Pettitte says sorry:

"If what I did was an error in judgement on my part, I apologize," Pettitte said.

I wonder if I could use something like that in any area of my life.

"Honey, if you think that kissing another girl is cheating, then I regret my actions."

Cathal Kelly is a great soccer writer

But when it comes to baseball, he's obviously content to toe the cliche line.


Plucky Eckstein to set Toronto's table

The Blue Jays have added more depth to their middle infield and a new leadoff hitter by signing free-agent shortstop David Eckstein.

Career OPS+ 89. Yay! Also, "plucky" is the nondescript Eckstein word of the day. Use it in a sentence three times while discussing Eckstein at home or work today.

The 2006 World Series MVP need only pass a physical today in order to join the team. According to Jays general manager J.P. Ricciardi, the deal is for one year. Though Ricciardi would not confirm the dollar figure, it's understood to be $4.5 million (U.S.)

"We've agreed to terms pending a physical, so let's just get the physical done," Ricciardi said yesterday.

The Jays medical staff must need to do more tests before determining exactly how small and how pale he is.

Eckstein, 32, has been on two World Series winners. Along with current Jays third baseman Troy Glaus, he was a member of the world champion Anaheim Angels in 2002. He batted .309 for the Cardinals last year, a career high, with three home runs, 31 RBIs and 10 stolen bases.

Big OPS+ of 93 last season. Also, those 3 home runs, 31 RBIs and 10 stolen bases were supposed to be a selling point.

He will bat leadoff for the Jays, a spot the club had trouble filling last year in the absence of Reed Johnson.

"That's been his role and he's always been successful at it," Jays manager John Gibbons told The Canadian Press. "He's a tough out and he really battles. He just seems to find a way to get something done."

It's not a quantifiable "something" of course, but it's really just a thing. That he does. Being tough. And battling. Might he be plucky?

Eckstein is known for housing a formidable will inside a diminutive frame. Though he stands only 5-foot-7, his hard-charging style made him a huge fan favourite in St. Louis. However, the Cardinals declined to offer the two-time all-star arbitration this off-season, forcing him onto the free-agent market.

Rudy! Rudy! Rudy! Oh yeah, Rudy only played for a minute and a half. This guy is a multimillionaire Scrappy Doo.

The ripple effect of acquiring Eckstein will be felt throughout the Toronto clubhouse. First, recently re-signed shortstop John McDonald will likely return to a backup role. News of the move surprised McDonald when he was contacted by the Star early yesterday afternoon.

"I had no idea," McDonald said. "Obviously, that's the position I was preparing to play and hopefully be the starter. But I don't think it changes my outlook on things. ... I know David from playing against him for a long time so I'm sure he won't mind some healthy competition in spring training."

Over/under 5 home runs from the shortstop position next season for the Jays?

It also pushes utility infielder Marco Scutaro, picked up in November from the Oakland A's, further down the pecking order.

Considering Eckstein's defensive frailties and the fact that third baseman Glaus underwent off-season foot surgery, McDonald and Scutaro might still see considerable time on the field.

Frailties? You mean, because he throws the ball like a toddler? At least he's a great... well, good... he hits singles occasionally.

Eckstein's arrival also creates another roadblock in front of former No. 1 draft pick Russ Adams, who has been unable to find an everyday spot since 2006. As a result, second baseman Aaron Hill, long projected as the team's future shortstop once Adams was major-league ready, will remain in his current role for the time being.

Our scouting for SS is obviously amazing.

There is also a question mark attached to left fielder Johnson, who had been the leadoff hitter until a back injury ruined his 2007 season.

You can make a pretty sound argument that there is no discernible difference between Johnson and Eckstein's offensive ability.

Resident baseball expert, zgall1 chimes in: "If they are both healthy (and I'd say they are equally likely to be unhealthy a good percentage of the time), Reed Johnson is about 10-20% more valuable as a hitter"

Some of the money to sign Eckstein was provided Wednesday by the club's decision to non-tender Josh Towers. Ricciardi said the Jays likely would not invite Towers to spring training, effectively ending the pitcher's career in Toronto.

Josh Towers, while the target of many of our tirades, has more value to the Jays as a relief pitcher than David Eckstein does as a starting shortstop. That is not arguable.

All this talk about pluckiness has inspired me to go find a duck to de-feather.