If Doug Smith is doing ro-coms, Stephon Marbury should do after schools specials

From TrueHoop via New York Times:

Howard Beck of The New York Times recounts a preseason exchange between Marbury and a player he'll compete with for minutes, Eddie House: "After Marbury drew a foul on Kendrick Perkins and hit two free throws, he turned and screamed at House, from midcourt: 'You're a bum!' When play returned to the Celtics' side of the court, House chirped, 'Don't worry about me. You better worry about Ray Allen,' whom Marbury was guarding. Marbury shot back, 'You're nothing!' then added, 'You're caught up in basketball. Get caught up in life.'"

Marbury transports magically onto a chain-link inner-city court next to an obviously troubled youth.

"Hey there, troubled youth. You've been hanging with the wrong crowd and experimenting with alcohol and marijuana You're caught up in basketball. Get caught up in LIFE!"

At which point he high fives the troubled youth, drops 10 pairs out-of-stock Starbury's from Steve & Berry's and disappears.

The Grunty Man Can!

From Mail grog:

Q: Could you provide me one reason as to why I should look forward to next season and continue to follow the team this year? Thanks.

John V, Markham

A: No, and I don’t really care whether you do or not. That’s your decision, this is my job and I’ve got to do it whether you look forward to next season or not. Please don’t confuse me with a season-ticket salesman.

-

Q: Doug Smith, I would like you to admit that the 2008-2009 Toronto Raptors season is over! They will not make the playoffs and quite frankly, do not deserve to. They look like they have given up. This has taught me a lesson (especially watching tonight)...NEVER GIVE UP!

Eric M, Toronto

A: The season is not over, there are 25 games left to play and it will end most likely on April 15. Of course, it won’t end then for me. And, frankly, whether you or anyone thinks it’s “over” is of quite little consequence to me because I still have to do my job.

Okay, now sing with me, to the tune of "The Candy Man" from Willy Wonka:

Who can take a question?
And turn it into poo.
An innocent little question.
Such an easy thing to do.

The Grunty Man can. (The Grunty Man can)
The Grunty Man can because he doesn't understand like a sports writer shoooooould.

Okay, this one to the tune of the "Oompa Loompa" song:

Beat grunt, meat blunt, blippity bee.
I've got another question for thee.
What do you get when you ask for questions?
Then get offended when your readers ask some.
Is it because you don't know much about the team?
Or are you just a bitter man?

Why Doug Smith should never write voice overs for romantic comedy trailers

The playoffs? Pah! The playoffs are so far away they may as well be on Mars; the thing they’ve got to fix is there hearts. And their brains. Can they? Who knows. But they’ve got to try.

Give em heck, Doug!

I like this guy better than that guy

This guy.

That guy.

Humour in an otherwise despairing Jays prognostication...

From Dickie Griffin:

So, to summarize the rampant spring optimism: Hindsight being 20/20, if Rios produces 30-30, the Jays are 50-50 to finish 81-81. You gotta believe.

Doug Smith, CA

The money? Well, the Banks contract’s not great but Toronto may still have enough, depending on what it does in the coming summer, to get in on the tail end of the 2010 free agent sweepstakes. I’ll take a look at the financials more closely for the morning, though. The mind’s racing right at the moment.

Anyone else picturing Douglas sitting at a 19th century desk with a quill pen and an abacus trying to figure this whole collective bargaining agreement out? Or maybe a calculator-watch?

More hard-hitting insight from Dougie

Overall, I’d say Toronto came out okay. Not great, certainly not slam dunk, but not a bad deal all in all.

You are a writer. You are paid to have an opinion, you dumb fuck.

State The Obvious Man returns with more Banalysis

Why did I check the grog knowing I have work to do and that the chances something DS wrote would make my sores itch were 78.9%.

Okay, let’s say Bryan doesn’t get anything done before next Thursday at 3 p.m. and exactly the same team post-deadline goes to New York to play the Knicks on Friday.

Is that a bad thing?

I’m not sure.

Hedging against inaction. That's how you fight the sports blogs for relevancy, Big Doug.

I honestly think there are only two things he should be contemplating doing (at least things that will have a legitimate impact, nothing like an absolute nothing-for-nothing deal like The Gangster for Fred Jones last year):

Of course he means Juan Dixon but that's a human error, and we don't dwell on those at FDS. Primoz's roster spot is now taken by an even worse awkwardo, Jake the Stake. (it's funny because he doesn't move well. I keed, I keed.)

1. Move Jermaine for Marion because it gives him more financial flexibility sooner. I’m not sure it makes Toronto a much better team, although it does move Bargnani back to the five and that’s not a horrible thing. And it does give them more rebounding at the three and Marion, some think, is more a four than a three so he can move into that spot some times.

But what it does, as we’ve said a kabillion times, is open up more possibilities for improvement in the summer.

The Toronto Star: Reporting on breaking stories at least a kabillion and one times. 

Hey Doug: Us no playoffs. Matter not who rich guys pout on court and collect cheques. We no able watch games on TV anyways. 

What the f#%@ are you sure about?? 

Doug Smith at the greakfast table this morning: "I usually have cereal for breakfast. Would having eggs be a bad thing? I'm not sure if eggs make a better breakfast than cereal but I can't see having eggs as being a huge mistake." 

2. If – and this is a big “if” – he can get someone for Kapono who has a year less left on his deal he probably should do it. Jason’s been good for two games, and Lord knows us grunts would miss him in the locker room, but if there’s a way to lessen the financial load and get someone more athletic, the GM should do it.

Did Smithers just give the Bryan Colangelo (hokey, fence-sitting, flip-floppity) permission to try to unload two of the most overpaid players in the NBA for better players, more athleticism and cap space? Thank you, Doug. WE'RE FREE! WE'RE FREE!!!!!!

Fire Another Smith (and Raptors Republic for eating this crap up)

This whole story is ridiculous. And this is the last time I'll ever link to this toolface's blog. I bet it was ghost written by this kid. 

Accusations of story fabrication have followed Stephen A. Smith throughout his entire career since being let go from the Philadelphia Inquirer 15 years ago. Correct me if I'm wrong, but this guy has been fired from every job he's ever had. Every talk show they've rolled out for him has failed within months. He single handedly brought down the CNN/SI network. Every serious NBA writer and analyst in the industry, including ESPN's think this guy is a joke and have not commented on this non-story because they have nothing nice to say. (Major points to anyone who corners Henry Abbott in an elevator and asks him what he thinks of this guy) Stephen A. Smith has been publicly dismissing Chris Bosh and the Toronto Raptors for years now (the inexplicable comparison to Manute Bol, deriding every draft pick the Raptors have ever made) 

Maybe Bosh snubbed him for an interview once. Maybe he has a possession of narcotics conviction and was denied entry into Toronto sometime during a strip clubs of North America tour. Maybe he just realized that if you're loud enough and throw enough bullsh*t around Peter Vescey-style, someone will lend you a suit put you on TV. If this were the New York Times, Smith would have been fired and the paper would be issuing an embarrassing apology and Oprah would have issued a fatwa. But it's sports media, where any move that passes the Trade Machine is considered a legitimate trade possibility. Where, if you can't prove a certain player will retire with his current team, you can't deny that he might be traded to 29. 

The fact that anyone is talking about this crap and making this toolface into a celebrity again for a week is just sad. Not sad in the dying puppy way, but sad in the Pauly Shore's career way. If, in the summer of 2010, the Raptors are still scraping by and there's an opportunity to go to a contender for a lesser but otherwise max deal, Chris will probably go. Otherwise he will stay. If playing for this obviously mediocre team (in which anyone with half a brain could realize they would be with a washed-up malcontent eating up a 3rd of the salary and a prize free agent 3 point shooter who can barely play the rest of the game) makes Bosh miserable, he'll ask for a trade publicly and be gone within a week. Maybe we'll go after Carlos Boozer. Maybe we'll relocate to St. Louis. Maybe who the fuck cares this is rampant speculation.

Stephen A. Smith is to sports journalism as Tia Tequila is to television. He's a giant toolface who made you believe he's important. I guess that makes you the bigger toolface.

This is fun though.

This is fun too.